100

Yesterday I had an amazing doctor's appointment.  (Well about as amazing as a doctor's appointment can be.)

I blew a 102% on my PFT (fev1) !!!

I am almost two years post TX and finally, FINALLY broke 100.  I have been waiting for this day for basically my whole life.  The last time my lungs were at 100% capacity I was a child.
My lungs feel amazing still.  I am so thankful and blessed.  I wish I could have shared this news with my old CF team that had watched me struggle to breathe and helped me out so much over the years.  A big 'thank you' to them as well.

Lately I have been struggling a bit with anxiety.  I think a lot of it stems from not wanting to waste my life. It is hard for me to just relax.  I get worried that I am wasting this health, this energy level, this time.  With great power comes great responsibility or some rubbish such as that.
On one hand this can be a good thing.  It drives me to accomplish things.  Projects. Plans.
On the flip side it can be burdensome.  I feel anxious to an uncomfortable amount at times.  It is difficult for me to decipher how much of this anxiety, if any, is normal.  I am working on it.
To have the strong desire to live life to the fullest and to be out on adventures all the time, and then spend everyday doing the repetitive, constant house work can be frustrating.  One of my old roommates (who is a new mother) put it best when she said she feels like a machine on some days.  Not to say we don't adore our children, but I can certainly relate to that thought.

So trying to balance giving my kids the stability and routine that they need while trying to soak in new experiences is where I am at presently.  I only have so much time left - I want to squeeze everything in.

I want to live life to 100% capacity.

Sehnsucht

You have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw—but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported . . . All the things that have deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it—tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest—if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself—you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want . . . which we shall still desire on our deathbeds . . . Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it—made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand. - C.S. Lewis

goal

25 things

i posted this on facebook, but figure i may as well post it here also

1. hey look - i already gave one away: i have never done one of these.

2. to this day i am not completely certain what my first name is.

3. i was in the circus. not as a volunteer one time or anything - like i seriously was friends with circus people and i walked on tight ropes and such. weird, i know.

4. i have tattoos. i hope to get another within the next month.

5. growing up i owned (are you ready for this list?) dogs, birds, fish, frogs, snakes, tarantulas, iguanas, rats, hamsters, chickens, a pig, a peacock, and a peahen. ironically enough i am not really an animal person.

6. i have had a double lung transplant.

7. i ate a beignet for my first time on friday night.

8. i love the smell of wet concrete.

9. sometimes i feel like no one really knows me.

10. sometimes i feel very tall and then catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and remember all over again that i am kind of short.

11. i am a foster mom - soon to be an adoptive mom. (and a biological mom also i should add)

12. nothing yucks me out more than the sound of cloth ripping or the sound of yarn against a metal crochet needle {{shiver}}

13. i can easily see myself as a drug addict. but i am not.

14. i enjoy watching music videos on youtube. (actually you probably all could have guessed that one)

15. i would rather drive a little bit longer on a different route than sit in traffic for the same amount of time.

16. i prefer driving stick.

17. as a child i attended a one room school house grade K-12 built in the 1800's because the road washed away to town. we went there a year. it was awesome.

18. ^ that same flood someone flew-in our neighbours groceries by helicopter.

19. i got to go to disneyworld through make-a-wish as a child. also very awesome.

20. jay leno called me a weevil.

21. i am a pastor's kid.

22. when i was 7 years old i was obsessed, OBSESSED with blues music.

23. my best friend is moving to antarctica in a month.

24. i really hate my face touched.

25. i love thrill rides, waterslides, and jumping up and down on rickety extension bridges with rapids underneath.

grade 1

here is a photo of a very reluctant 1st grader on the first day of school

by the end of the day he was okay with it.

mum·bo jum·bo

processing.
processing.
processing...

i often have a vivid imagination.  sometimes i tend to mix my dreams with reality.  but today and yesterday i have been processing.  sifting.  looking at cold, hard facts.  bringing myself back down to reality and trying to keep my sanity at the same time.  i am learning lessons - lessons i know i will probably forget again, and have to keep learning over and over.  learning that no matter how much you wish certain things to be true they are not.

i hate that one.

no matter how much you dream, dreaming with your eyes wide open, doesn't mean the things you wish will come to pass.  i am walking the tight rope between hope and reality.
dreaming has it's place.  it gets us through our days.  but now it is time to get my head out of the clouds, my toes are touching the earth, and reality has slapped me upside the head like of ton of bricks.
i am okay.  navigating through your own head and heart can be tricky.

Coasting

Hi!
So yesterday I was at my friend's house and we were setting up a blog for her upcoming adventures as she moves to Antarctica.  I happened to come upon my blog, and realized how long it's been since I have written.

Things are going really well heath wise.  Last time I checked my PFTs were mid nineties - still on the incline.  95% if I remember correctly.  I workout at a pace of a normal, fit person.  I have been really enjoying long boarding this year.  Next I want to take up (or at least try) stand up paddle boarding in the sea.

So yeah, just a quick update to let you know I am alive and kickin.  My life is not perfect, but I am doing well and my lungs are too.  Next time I check back I hope to say that I blew a 100% PFT.

Oh and heads up - you are definitely going want to check my friends blog in say oh about a month.  She is an amazing writer and person.  It's : http://juliebuggs21.blogspot.com/

the mumlers

about a week and a half ago i finally got to see the mumlers play a show.  i like this band a ton and think you should too.

 get busy and shake your medication...

sierra nevadas